Posted by Dell 01-20-2024
Okay, today I wanted to talk about a very sensitive subject, fat. Being a fat guy myself I completely understand the problems that fat men face. So today I have some tips that I hope will help you as much as they have helped me. As usual I would like to handle what I have to say with sensitivity and empathy, but we all know I probably won’t. Just please don’t write and tell me I am mean to fat people, I am one, so the rule I am one so I can say whatever the hell I want to be is in effect.
First thing: The biggest problem we have is eating those extra things that we just shouldn’t eat. Passing by the toaster before bed when it is whispering things like “Real Butter” or “You can make toasted cheese like sandwiches in the toaster! No, really. Toast the bread, throw the cheese on it and then nuke it in the microwave.” or even “The wife hid the doughnuts behind the coffee maker!” Or maybe opening the refrigerator door to get that diet coke you waited all day for and seeing that there is a half of pizza left over from the pool party the kids had. And you can smell the sausage… The peperoni… And it is so hard to resist it. Well, there are alternatives. My first alternative I like to call To Hell with it.
To Hell with it is a novel approach to dieting. It assumes that no matter what you do you will get fat anyway so why not just say To Hell with it? I mean, after all, did you really think that cute chick that you see every morning at the Stop and Gas really digs you? Or would if you could lose three hundred pounds? No. Stop fooling yourself. She is probably barely holding on to that job as she spends her nights being a crack whore. Barely getting those cravings into check in time to make it to the store so she can sell your fat ass a box of doughnuts every morning. No. Give up the dream. She will never notice you and if she did, it would probably be one of those drying out stages where she realizes she hasn’t eaten in the last three weeks and starts to wonder if maybe you might not taste good with a little salt and a pinch of garlic powder.
So, now that you have set your sites a little lower, lets adjust our attitude and learn to live with the fat instead of fighting it all of the time. There are tons of very good-looking women that are, shall we say, not skinny? Yes. We’ll say that, because I don’t see where it would benefit us to have a bunch of fat women writing to us to complain about our insensitivity to their situation, when actually we are very sensitive to it. So, open your eyes, unless the lids are too fat, then you can use tape to keep them up. In any case, get them open and look around you. The world is full of opportunities for you just the way they are.
The second option is to actually buckle under and diet. I don’t like this option at all. This option leaves no other options and I find that completely unreasonable. I mean, how can there be no options? This isn’t Russia, is it? I’m not a man living in the mountains who has just come of age and was promised at birth to my cousin Edwina, am I? No. So, there must be options. And choosing between a sensible salad and a carrot stick … WHOO WHO! … Is not an option. Choosing between a lettuce sandwich and a Quarter Pound burger, now that’s an option. So really the option part comes before this, diet or no diet and we have already made that decision so to hell with spending time on this.
So, no diet it is and full steam ahead with no diet. After all fat is stored energy, that’s all it is. Do skinny people make good lovers? We’ll never know because they run out of energy too fast. No stores of fat to tap into! And, if the Zombie Apocalypse happens tomorrow? Skinny folks are screwed. They will already be half starved, low on energy, meanwhile us fat guys will be like, … “Hey, get the hell out of my way! It’s dinner time you $%%## A$%%$# What the $$%$## did you think you were doing trying to %$%$## eat me? … Zombies or skinny people we’ll just knock them all right out of the way. And truthfully, in the end? I think the zombies will be screwed too. When a fat man gets hungry, he’s hungry. If it’s between me and a zombie I’m winning. Simple as that. I will learn how to make me some Zombie Burgers with fries. So, we live with our fatness, and we adapt.
Say you went out on a date with a skinny woman, and she doesn’t want you the way you are? Her loss. Leaves all that much more for you to eat. Really. Order a second desert. Laugh loud at the movie. Eat all the popcorn. Who cares. Make jokes, though to put her at ease. A good one I like to use is, “You know if ass sold by the pound you’d be broke!” This will make her feel more at ease with her skinniness. She will realize that you see her for just what she is. Not a piece of meat. Not an object. Just a woman that does not belong in your world. And don’t be a dick. Offer to pay for both of you. After all, how much could she have eaten?
Another problem is clothing. For the fat man it isn’t all that easy to get dressed in the morning. Well, you’ll be glad to know I have solved that problem too. You actually have a few options. My option of first choice is the sweatpants option. Sweatpants are great. Stretchy band. Hey, they’re sweatpants so it does count toward a workout. And unlike the old days, manufacturers are aware that we wear these for everyday clothes, so they come in all sorts of styles now. Striped, piping down the legs. Matching tops, Hell even matching footwear! You can look damn smart in these clothes, attend a local luncheon, shop at your local Walmart. Do some Mall walking: What else do you need to do? And best of all, they are like an expensive hotel, big ball room.
But for those days where you do need a second option, I would like to recommend the stretchy jean. These are great. They look like jeans, but they will stretch right across that XXX ass like they were painted on. No really. I’ve seen them. They do look painted on.
And for those of you who are a little less adventurous? Coveralls. These things are great too. Just throw on a T-Shirt and a pair of boxers and then slip inside the coverall. They come in all sizes, so fit is not a problem. Feeling a little wild? Go commando! Who’ll know? Tug that zipper up and you’re finished. Set for the day. They have plenty of pockets. They give you the appearance of actually working, so no more heckling from your girlfriends’ parents … “Get a job you fat bastard!” And they come in an array of stylish fashions and fabric finishes. What I like about them is that they make a great throw cover for the couch to keep that pesky cat hair off it when I’m not wearing them…
Solving Common Problems: Bending over to tie your shoes in the morning.
Now this is a tough deal. The problem is that you have become so fat that you cannot bend over to tie your shoes with either crapping your pants or running out of breath and passing out. The problem is that there is simply too much fat crammed into a very small space, IE: your rib cage and your lap. So, when you try to bend over that fat just crushes up against your lungs and you can’t breathe. Or it presses right down on your lower intestines and, well, we know the deal there don’t we.
Fortunately, there is a solution for this that works every time without crapping your pants or passing out from loss of air and tumbling forward onto the floor where you are at the mercy of your pets, who could think that this is the end and eat you. Sure, laugh, but many fat people have been eaten by their trusted pets once they became incapacitated.
Okay. This is a three-part exercise designed to help you with this problem. I myself practice this method every morning and have had excellent results both with tying my shoes (Or slipping the shoe on if you have given up on laces as most of us have. For this demonstration we will use the lace method of putting on the shoes.)
Okay, first, firmly grasp your left thigh and push it over to the left, and then repeat this same exercise on the right side. What you should have now is your belly, unsupported by your lap, swinging free and threatening to crush your man parts. No worries. Arch your back and lean back as far as you can on your comfortable couch. This should allow you to reach the waist band of your trousers. Firmly grasp the button or clasp and wrench it free. This may be difficult to do as it may have retreated into the flab of your belly, but a bit of searching should turn it up. Now be aware that as you release this dam of flesh there may be some rolling and excessive movement. You will have to ride that out. When it has ceased movement, you will find that you now have a much greater range of forward movement, and you should be able to easily bend and tie your shoes with no further problems.
Caution: Upon completion do not attempt to refasten your trousers while in the sitting position. Now that you have tied your shoes, simply stand and then safely re-clasp the button or clasp on your trouser tops. At this time if you have a belt that you have removed, it would be safe to once again attach it. Always check to make sure you have not damaged your man parts at this time, and of course be careful that there are no small pets or children around that could be injured by the length of the belt swinging freely as you reinsert it through the loops of your trousers.
Hailing a Cab: Cab companies have phone numbers. They have them for a reason so that you can call them and ask them to come and get you wherever you are at. This is great, because if you try hailing a cab the driver will pretend, he or she didn’t see you, like that’s possible. And you will not be able to chase them because you are lucky you got up, got your trousers on and out to the street and still had breath left. You will never catch that cab and that cab driver will go have lunch with his friend and laugh about how the fat guy couldn’t catch him or her. Bastards! So, call. This way there is not a damn thing the cab driver can do. When they ask for their tip? Tell them to get an Allstate agent.
Okay. I hope that I have helped some of my fellow fat men in the world. I would just add that women are attracted to fat men. No really. I’m a writer, it’s my job to know these things. So don’t worry about whether women find you attractive or if it is only your dog/cat/hamster. I mean, does a dog hump the leg of someone they don’t like? No.
Okay. That is me for this week. I hope you are all doing well. I will be back next weekend…
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Have a great week and I’ll be back next weekend…
