Notes from the Edge 05-05-2024
Some humor for you today, Dell…
Absolute Facts
Absolute facts:
Q: Who discovered America?
A: Richard Plambouise.
Huh? Richard was working at the local K-Mart when he was assigned to move some shelving during inventory. Behind the shelving, he noticed a continent that had fallen from the shelf and lay dusty and disused. He recognized it for what it was, America.
Congratulations Richard Plambouise.
Absolute Facts:
Q: Is the Earth really round?
A: No.
Think about it, you’d fall off of it. The earth is flat. Been flat since I was a kid, I know ’cause I ran in my new sneakers, fast as hell, and I didn’t fall off. The Earth is flat.
Absolute Facts:
Q: Is what mom feeds me actually good for me?
A: Yes. Everything mom feeds you is good for you, now shut up and eat.
Absolute Facts:
Q: When a man loves a woman can he keep his mind on anything else?
A: No.
Just ask Percy Sledge who not only told us a man can not keep his mind on anything else, but he’ll sleep out in the rain if she says that’s the way it ought to be. Thanks Percy.
Absolute Facts:
Q: If my wife asks, should I tell her, ‘Yes, her butt does look big?’
A: Absolutely.
Relationships are built on respect, truth and honesty. Go ahead tell her. You can even tell her I said to. In fact, Percy didn’t say otherwise either.
About Writers
Writers… We often sit around and think things like this…
“It was a warm winter that year…”
No, no, no… Hmm…
“It was the winter of our…” No, already used… Damn…
“Winter came quickly to the north country as it was wont to do. My brother and I had just come around to our turn to wear the fall coats, there were only the two coats for the fifteen of us children. With them, we were able to play outside while our siblings were stuck inside. It would have been better if we had also had the shoes, but it wasn’t our turn yet…”
No, no, no. Too melodramatic…
“It was a long, cold winter. The cat had a litter sometime in there. A few kittens, maybe four. I often wonder what happened to those kittens. I only know we had meat for Christmas that didn’t in the slightest resemble Turkey…”
No, no, no… It was the dog…
“The dog had a litter that winter… They were fast growing puppies and by December they were half grown, as fat and sassy as could be. I remember petting the one I had named Dingo on the head just before bed a few nights before Christmas. I remember that clearly, yes, I do, and it was the last time I ever saw Dingo…. I think so anyway. It’s tough to tell. All I know is that we had meat for Christmas dinner. A small ham, Mom said., but it didn’t resemble any ham I’d ever seen…”
“Geo!”
“Yes, mom?”
“PETA called, knock it off.”
“Yes, mom.”
…
…
“It was a long cold winter that year. The rats in the basement had eaten the corn crop and left us starving… Daddy said we wouldn’t have to resort to eating rats, but as he headed toward the basement with a claw hammer, I wondered…”
The Mayans
The Friggin’ Mayans:
(Written when the end of the world predictions were everywhere, the Mayans foremost, about 2012)
I am not all that pleased with the Mayans. I have been waiting, but here it is creeping towards the middle of January and the earth is still here. What happened? Great mathematicians my… Well, you know.
But really, we are so gullible That’s how these whack jobs like the Mayans get us in the first place. The whole thing probably went something like this…
Bob and Ted Mayan (Well, they were called Mayans, right?) were bored one day. Maybe they had just smoked a little weed, had a couple of ancient beers (Probably not a good European Dark beer, but hey they’re lucky they had any at all), and most likely Bob said something like…
“Hey, man… What if… What if… I forgot.”
“The world ended,” Ted supplied.
“Yeah… Yeah, Man. That’s it. What if, like, the world just ended and… and…” he shrugged (Probably too stoned to think straight).
“Yeah… Yeah… I see it,” Ted nearly screams. “And we all float off into space!”
“Dude!” Bob says.
“Dude,” Ted agrees.
And that was probably it right there. Next thing you know Bob and Ted have started themselves a little cult. Got a bunch of their contemporaries following them. Probably put it on their version of Face Book (The Cave Walls) and that was it. One kid’s a math wiz (At least on their level) and the next thing you know the Mayans are predicting our future. Makes me mad just thinking about it.
So here I am a few thousand years later… I don’t know the Mayans were high that day… I don’t know they had three or four arrests for possession before they were sixteen. Nope. I’m just an average Joe saying Hey What the hell is the deal? And I start to think maybe it’s happening. I’m at work and I turn to Fred my Cat…
“Fred… Fred, does it feel like the Earth is spinning slower to you? … Does it?”
“Meow,” Fred says. Whatever that means. And while I’m on the subject, which I wasn’t. How can a Cat or a Dog express themselves with so few words. This damn cat always answers Meow.
“Fred, what do you think? Were the Mayans right or not?”
“Meow.”
“Really.”
Or
“Fred, I think I hear a dog out there in the yard.”
“Meow.”
“Really.”
What does it mean? Couldn’t once he say…
“A dog you say. Well, that clinches that. I’m not going out in the yard at all.”
“Really,” I would say, surprised and probably in shock.
“Really? What the hell does really mean? Don’t you people ever say anything else,” Fred asks?
Anyway, the Mayans. It’s mostly our faults. I read somewhere that people who make predictions, by the odds, have to be right 50 percent of the time. That’s pretty limited thinking. Maybe if it’s strictly yes or no, otherwise the variables come into play and who can tell, and that is exactly how they get us. That… maybe it could be … That… You don’t suppose…? And we are so fatalistic in our overall views that we just jump on it…
“BARB! Let’s get down to the Walmart and stock up on all the stuff we’re gonna need! The World’s Ending!!!”
And the religious whack jobs? Oh, they’re happy. They just look at you and smile. They’re God is gonna kick some ass now, that’s for sure. You people will starve in the wilderness… STARVE! But God will take care of me! God told me to get a rope and tie myself to the church steeple so that when the world ends, and the Earth stops spinning, I won’t float away…
Good. And when nothing happens I suppose you could use the rope to lasso a cow. Start a life as a cowboy.
We are so gullible.
A friend bought a book to me a few years back. He handed it to me…
“Look, don’t pass that around…” He looked around to make sure no one was listening. “It’s the secret to life,” he whispered. “Says so right on the cover… A secret…”
“A secret?”
“SHHHS. Not so loud. It’s a friggin’ secret. Secret knowledge… Read it, I did.”
Or another friend shortly after that.
“It’s the Mayan prophecy, Dude. See this guy that wrote it… Well, he’s not a Mayan, but he’s good with numbers, see, and he says it’s gonna be December 2012…” He looked at me meaningfully.
“Uh huh… December?”
“Yeah… December.”
“Yeah. I got that. I mean what’s gonna be in December 2012?”
He looked at me like I was nuts. “Dude! The world’s ending, Dude.”
“Oh… That December 2012 thing.”
“Yeah, see this guy has a ship full of virgins and he’ll be in the New York harbor waiting to sail…”
“Ah, virgins?”
“Yeah… Yeah, see, to re-populate the world when most everyone dies.”
Gullible. We want to believe it. I personally think if the moron that wrote that book would have showed up with a ship full of virgins, he would have found himself in jail. But hey, maybe the Mayan’s could post bail…
Anyway. I’m still here. The world didn’t end, and I didn’t see a single Mayan on T.V. apologizing for the misinformation. Not one. The world is still going and if you went ahead and maxed out your Visa card you’re gonna have to pay it. Next week or the week after that the light bill’s gonna be due, then the car payment, and the next thing you know we will have moved right past those Mayans and their faulty math.
But listen. Keep this to yourself, but I read this book and it predicts that the real date is a year or so away. Then the whole friggin’ thing’s gonna fall down…. Honest. The book says so…
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